Like a Lily Pad on Tepid Waters

Elizabeth Milligan
Writing Assignment for 30 Nov 2005
Prompt: Two People eating together, with particular attention to voice


Like a lily pad on tepid waters, the waitress sashayed across the restaurant and careened into our table. "Excuse me ma’am and ma’am, my name is Denise and I will be your waitress tonight. Tonight, we are featuring boiled crab escargot, caressed with a delicate mussel white sauce, served with a side of torpedo fries and a dollop of sour cream ranchero. And may I suggest our house wine, a sweet domestic red from the vineyards just down the road; I think you will find it amusing. What can I get you all?"

Woman #1:
Well, Denise – I would like the filet mignon, medium-rare, with a baked potato – plain; no sour cream or butter, beans almandine, mixed greens with basil vinaigrette dressing, and a carafe of the house burgundy.

Women #2
And for me, I would like the same, except please substitute mousaka for the filet, rice pilaf for the baked potato, and some Liebfraumilch for the house burgundy. Thank you, and here are our menus.

Denise
Very good, Mesdames.
(Denise turns and sashays back to the kitchen)

Woman #1 to Woman #2
(gesturing toward the centerpiece: a woven plastic basket with many white plastic eating utensils)

Could you please hand me a set of cutlery?
How DO they make storks out of paper napkins?

Woman #2Sure.
(Passing #1 the cutlery, the handling-end, first)
Here you go. No salad fork, though. So, just lick the dinner fork clean, I guess.

The stork figure sure is clever, isn’t it?
I have no idea how the paper holds the creases, though.
Wish I did. I would love to be able to make origami-napkins at home.
It would be such fun!

Denise
Hi, Denise here.
Here are some hot damp towels for you.

Woman #1 and Woman #2
What?

Denise
(Standing by the table and demonstrating how to use the towels)
Oh – you aren’t from around here, are you? Well, folks around here like to wrap their hands in them before eating; they find them soothing and hygienic at the same time.

Oh – one other itsy bitsy little thing; people around here scoot their legs into the sunken space under the table when they eat out, just like they do in Kyoto. In their homes, though, people here just kneel or sit cross-legged like our Native Americans.

Well, here are your dinners, cooked to perfection by Chef Don in the back there. Hope you all enjoy! And if there is anything I can do for you, please just call me. In case you forgot, my name is Denise.


Women #1
Thank you, Denise.
(Slight Pause)
And since you asked, could you please massage our necks and shoulders before we begin dining? It would enhance our gastronomic experience immeasurably. And then, could you please ask Chef Don to rustle up a birthday cake in dark chocolate, trimmed with chocolate roses – a shade lighter – and adorned with twenty-nine blazing candles? And could you please arrange for several members of the wait staff to assemble around us and sing Happy Birthday, with gusto and reverence, simultaneously?

Denise, the dinners look lovely.

And again, thank you, Denise.


Denise
(Standing and hovering, wide-eyed and visibly trembling)
Oh. Am I that easy to read? I may as well cry then right here and now.
My baby son was kidnapped last night. This morning, my beloved mother was run over by a train before she passed on the secret family recipe for her blue ribbon apple pie, and my balladeer husband ruined all of us with his gambling, drinking, and fee landering. The only silver lining is that he is out of my life for good. I think I need a drink.(pulls a chair up to the table and pours herself a glass of the house red. Dabbing her teary eyes with the corner of her serviette and turning to Women #2, Denise adds)

Oh – and dear, a very happy birthday to you! I hope I look as good as you do now when I am 29. And while you are in town, I hope you catch a show or two.